Someone once said, “Stop lighting yourself on fire to keep people warm.” It stayed with me. And I started pouring water everywhere.
For this trip around the sun, things will be much cooler. I understand that won’t work for everyone. The freeing lesson…it doesn’t have to.
This is the year for my softened desires to beam. I won’t waste this shower of renewal.
Chapter 35.
2020. It hasn’t been anything short of tumultuous, maddening, daunting, and on 10 whole thousand! And as much as the thought has crossed my mind that we can throw the entire year away after this first half of welcomed and unwelcome pandemonium, I refuse to accept that this is it. I know better than that. And you do too! The first thing we can alter when nothing seems to be on our side is our mindset. To assist with making that shift, I offer this digital space to illuminate a litany of love that has shown up in the cracks of uncertainty, ugliness, and upset. Won’t you stay with me for a minute? You’re already here. 🙂
Dear 2020,
You’ve given us:
Breath. We, those of us reading this, still have it. It’s a symbol of humanness that has been taken from too many of our Black and Brown loved ones and communities. We should feel it, be present with it, and use it to hasten action for those who should still be here.
Children. They keep making us stronger, wiser, and content with the idea that sometimes in the hurriedness of life, less is more. As they grow, hopefully we do too — in openness, empathy, and unity.
Family. It comes in many forms, but the point is that we’ve likely found refuge in the steadiness. For some of us, it’s angelic steadiness because we’ve lost loved ones. Still…we see, feel, and remember the consistency from what’s familial.
Friends. Some have gone to great lengths to make us smile with Zoom parties, snail mail, and daily calls. We should thank them. Keep showing up for them.
Laughter. From conversation or our preferred format for broadcast media. We’ve spent a few moments stepping away from it all and reinvigorating our courage.
Goals. Ones we’ve achieved and others we’ve set. Whether big or small, we’ve made progress and had something to celebrate. In my circle, I’ve seen businesses launched, donations raised, houses bought and sold, job transitions, spiritual wellness, courses started, stories written, boundaries enforced, and much more. Why throw in the towel now?
Partnership. In activism, romance, and business. Because we’re still awakening to the truth that we’re better together. What a marvelous ideal. Perhaps too slowly, but we’re getting in sync.
Hope. Through miraculous recovery, accountability for the toxicity, and even the fragrant florals we’re paying more attention to when we walk. We’re learning to carry it around like we do our phones.
Creativity. As a writer, mine has come as words in cards, emails, letters, blogs, and manuscripts. Others leave space for theirs in watercolor, photographs, thread, speech, cuisine, or events. Regardless of the expression, imagination has not failed us.
Peace. For some, it never seemed to be within reach. Now, we find that the interruption of storms by way of justice, pausing, closure, and need for rapid adaptation has washed away the inauthentic parts of life that weren’t helping us to grow more in love with who we are, what we represent, and how we show up in the world.
So, 2020. You’re not cancelled, and we haven’t lost. We’re here for the promise producing power.
With gratitude and reverence,
Bella Reese & fellow caretakers of presence
It never fails. I’m headed into the office, and I have this moment of energetic glee as I begin thinking of what I’ll accomplish for the day. It’s typically a combination of work and personal projects, because I like a good balance. Most recently, I’ve found myself on the bus when this happens while taking in the lyrics of my R&B, gospel, or ratchet tunes (because we all know it can vary). I get incredibly excited about the goodness that will come from the productive use of brainpower on the horizon. I’m trying to discern whether this sudden elation is the result of the perfectly ground coffee beans in my purple travel mug or if I really love doing work. I may or may not be easily convinced that it’s the coffee since it does make me happy. But, for the purposes of you reading this, we’ll go with the work!
As I was pondering about this odd yet joyful experience, it occurred to me that by the time I get to my office, that impromptu spark of enthusiasm to do work has a tendency to fade. Somewhere between the bus depot and the always lit Chinatown, that cheerful feeling about the day’s forthcoming success is commandeered by some unknown force that doesn’t want me to be great. As the analytical overthinker that I am, I took my morning mental acrobatics a step further to try to figure out why.
My office isn’t a place that I dislike. The people that I work with to support our mission and constituents are the reason I get out of bed and embark on the sometimes adventurous commute. I consider myself blessed to be a part of the fabric of a mission-oriented organization. I do what I do in medicine and public health because I believe in the power of potential and the necessary exposure to the possibilities for young people everywhere. But, then it hit me…the incredibly basic aha moment about my struggle to maintain merry momentum. It’s about as basic as Rice Crispies with no sugar. It’s summed up in two words…physical environment!
I’ve always been aware of my preferred working style and motivational requirements, but I’ve become more cognizant about the effects of the space around me and what I need to maintain my coffee-infused happiness without the extra cups. Here’s what I’ve recognized and how I’ve made small changes to reclaim and extend my workday thrill:
I have noticed a little more pep in my step since being intentional about improving the physical space I inhabit for the bulk of my day. I can’t promise that this is a one size fit all solution to your office woes. But, if you can do anything to adjust the space where you devote your time, energy, and presence each day, you might find that your sparkle expands into a blissful burst of impact in your work, life, and community that doesn’t ride to the next bus or train stop without you. You make space for your happy when you’re performing in a space that fits your happy!
I may not have blogged too much in 2018, but I definitely took plenty of trips! I scrolled through my old photos this week and was quickly reminded that I didn’t sit still. I remember having a conversation with someone about my desire to travel internationally in 2019 (already done, so stay tuned!) since I didn’t at all last year. While I do enjoy globetrotting to other continents, my domestic trips are never without some level of allure. And judging by the hundreds of photos in my digital collection of landmarks, food, scenery, and people I love, last year’s travels are worth chronicling. Notable highlights included:
If I gain nothing else by traveling, it’s the pure essence of being comfortable with leaving behind what I know to experience the richness of what I don’t. That’s life. That’s wealth. That’s my happiness.
I believe that much of the dysfunction that pervades our lives is a result of lies that have been perpetuated by society for untold amounts of time. As an overly introspective person, I tend to keep most of my thoughts and perspectives to myself. And besides, everything doesn’t deserve a place on the Internet. *shrug* However, several observations over the last few months have ignited a small fire in my soul thus moving me to speak on something I deem as pure shenanigans! I’m almost mad at myself for accepting this as truth.
How many times have you heard someone say that you shouldn’t look to someone else to validate you? It’s a commonly shared piece of advice in personal and professional discussions. I do agree with at least three tenets of that argument – 1) your happiness is your choice 2) sometimes you must encourage yourself and 3) you must recognize your worth before expecting someone else to. But, there are also some gaps in this perspective that I think have been lost in translation and hampered our ability to build and contribute to effective, meaningful relationships. Here’s why –
In some (not all) cases, we typically desire validation from the people we care about. Does that mean that we’re obligated to agree on everything or that it’s okay to base decisions on what others think? No. But, in a relationship that’s built on authenticity, we can show up authentically and should have the expectation (yes, we should!) that we’re being heard. BREAKING NEWS: people don’t always seek validation because they’re lacking self-worth. They’re likely pursuing the intimacy that comes with understanding and presence. Translation: I’m human, and I want to be accepted. That’s a post for another day though.
Secondly, we might need to reevaluate someone’s place in our life if we don’t have any evidence to show that this person is supportive. What kind of ideals are we propagating for future generations if we’re teaching them that it’s okay to not desire subtle or even sometimes bold affirmation by other humans? I think this can come in different forms, but it’s important that we leave ourselves room to tell people through words and actions that we value their existence, that they did a good job, that their small steps toward a big goal are monumental, and that it’s okay to express our feelings and sit with them for a while with the people we trust. By doing this, we are communicating that we are available and we value the opportunity for this exchange. Translation: I am present for you, and it’s okay to be vulnerable.
The point is that we all need each other. And I believe it is our responsibility to validate each other if we want to be the best versions of ourselves. I’m tired of us pretending like we don’t have emotions and rationalizing that we’re less than great if we seek to be understood or want to be recognized. I get that there are levels to this, and I’m only hitting the surface. Hell, I can even admit that I don’t appropriately validate others the majority of the time. I see posting this as a step in the right direction to undo how I’ve chosen to interact in my own relationships.
We’re killing ourselves by ignoring our emotions and legitimate desire to be connected. Instead of operating in a place of aversion and silence by choosing not to expect validation by others, I propose that we all demand it. Perhaps then we wouldn’t continue living as though it’s every woman or man for her/himself out here in this lukewarm world. We may come in and go out of this life alone, but we don’t make it through without someone else acknowledging that they see us.
Two years ago, I became an independent jewelry designer for a company that’s built on doing more of what you love with the people you love. As a charms based company, there’s an extensive selection of charms that represent family, hobbies, seasons, sports, and much more. But, my favorite charms in the collection are the engravables, because they can be customized with dates, initials, names, and quotes. These are particularly appealing to me, because they’ve given me the opportunity to wear my values on my wrist. Each time I look down I can be reminded of what I believe and stand for.
My most prized engravable is my hematite geo bar that reads, “little things.” If you’ve been following my posts over the years, you probably know that I base my life on the little things. For me, the small gestures of kindness toward myself, my presence for the celebratory and even non-celebratory moments for loved ones and friends, and the thoughtful gifts that I curate or purchase is what brings me the most happiness. I try to be intentional about the way I care for myself and those in my life by not being consumed with flashiness. Instead I purposely choose to invest my time, energy, and being into what makes my soul smile. Some days that might mean that I stand outside and listen to the whistle of the wind, go to the library to see if my knowledge of Dewey Decimal System is up to par (yes, I know what that is!), or randomly mail a card to someone letting them know I’m proud of what they’re doing. I do this because I’ve recognized that it’s the small things that we often take for granted that bring delight to our days and a boost to who we are as human beings. When we remove our focus from the little things it’s easier to become overwhelmed, overworked, and overly consumed by materialistic or shallow things and feelings. That instantly robs us of the ability to appreciate our blessings and privileges.
If I could give one piece of life advice, I’d say do more of the little things. That could come in the form of saying “no” when you know you’re not really committed, finally booking the plane ticket for the vacation you’ve never taken because you don’t want to get behind, not feeling guilty for leaving work on time so you can grab dinner with friends, devoting a portion of your day to pursuing your passions, calling the family member you haven’t heard from in a while, or eating the slice of cheesecake because you want to celebrate an accomplishment. The truth is that all of those little things will be the peace that you’ve likely searched for in other places. Everything we do doesn’t have to be big, bold, and witnessed by the masses. But, everything we do should be a collective representation of every little thing that makes us stress less and cherish more of what we love while we’re here.
Last year, I crisscrossed the United States more than a few times and traveled overseas. As my Nana would affectionately say, “Girl, you have a lot of miles on your butt!” Much of my travel is attributed to my professional life, but whether I’m learning about new innovations at medical schools or enjoying time off, I look for the small beauties in new places and things. That can be anything from –
I have definitely been fortunate in my ability to move about the world and explore the definition of life through someone else’s eyes. In each of these places, I’ve met enthused, indifferent, lively, subdued, and impolite people. All with a story (perhaps some far too long for my typical abbreviated Uber rides). All with a perspective. And all with a personal connection to the geographic location in which I managed to temporarily house my suitcase and carefully organized work binder and fact books. But, what I take away from all of my recent travels is the greatness of creation – of things to look at, paths to trek, and conversations with other beings. Because life is not about the number of places you can say that you’ve been but the quality of the connections you make to your surroundings. Hats off to a great year of discovery…and food! Phenomenal food!
Bella Reese 