Resolution Rebel

Three years ago, I wrote about my ceasing of New Year’s resolutions. I’m happy to report that I still don’t make them. I also don’t judge anyone who does. In fact, I celebrate one’s willingness to use it as an opportunity to be intentional. It takes guts! However, I’ve simply chosen to be honest with myself about what works for me. We weren’t meant to be and do the same things in the same way; that’s the beauty of humanity. My mindful alternative is mantras. Sometimes I’ll set mantras that I may stick with for a day, a week, or the year. I give myself flexibility, because I create my own rules. After all, mantra setting is about shaping the narrative in one’s own mind. There are so many things firing off up there on a daily basis alongside life’s real-time shenanigans that applying somebody else’s rules is unreasonable.

A recurring 2020 mantra for me was “You matter.” I leaned on it heavily and all the special beings who ensure that I never stop believing it. Since you’re here, it’s also my not so subtle message to you. Your attention to this post is not an accident. May it bring you unspeakable warmth that you didn’t know you needed.

Whether I devote my energy to a mantra or establish small, realistic goals for a specified time period, my focus continues to be on presence. I think 2020 empowered many to prioritize how we define living and identify those spaces that needed oxygen. For some of us, that may have been self-care or family. For others, it may have been boundaries or business. Though there’s much we’re glad to leave behind, I hope that in this new year you don’t forget everything that helped you breathe.

Happy New Year, friends! xo

Beary Grateful To Be Here

I only know today’s date because we recently hit reset on the calendar year. Like many others, I stopped tracking dates months ago. Although I have technology to remind me, I still find that I don’t retain it. Perhaps that’s a coping technique or a depiction of my desire to save mental energy wherever I can. Who knows. But, in some of my welcomed quiet time, I’ve noticed that the initial pressure I felt to create at the start of the pandemic has substantially increased over the past several weeks (to be fair, silence is totally my jam though isolation in a public health crisis like what we’ve been experiencing for almost a year gives it a much different meaning). I’m still uncertain where this is coming from and some of my earlier strategies to deal aren’t completely viable anymore. However, even as more “new year, new me” mottos continue to cloud every social space, I think I’m rounding the curb for a shift in my anxious creative thoughts. Reflection has that effect. Here’s what I know:

My original plans to “create” over the last year look nothing like I mapped out. I bet yours doesn’t either! Guess what? That is okay! Life is sometimes that rollercoaster that doesn’t allow you to catch your breath before the next hill. Still, we roll on. But, more importantly, we pivot.

I hadn’t paused to appreciate it before, but I did create many things though few were wrapped up in a new website, social media account, or something of monetary value. Most of my creations came in the form of recipes, flower arrangements, and social distanced gatherings. I made pie dough from scratch for the first time. I beautified florals in a cheery turquoise vase gifted to me by a close friend. I roasted a ton of marshmallows hoping that the neighborhood black bear didn’t emerge from a random corner in my cousin’s backyard (yes, a whole bear was caught on multiple cameras getting into trash cans)! If we’re talking academia, I guess I also created a new work in the medical education literature after yearsssss of writing. My point is that everything you create doesn’t have to be for the masses. It can be for your serenity. It can be for your personal enjoyment. It can simply be because you felt like doing it. *shrug* No shade to extra income and business ventures. Those are exceptional and necessary pursuits. But, not having those things on a specific timeline doesn’t decrease your human value; that’s a message we must learn to share in our capitalistic world.

I also started learning to accept that creating space for rest and not feeling bad about it is a sacred gift that I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve given to myself. Truth is, some days I’ve felt like I have nothing left to offer, promote, persuade, or pursue. And guess what? It hasn’t mattered if I needed time to disengage. At all.

Why?

Because my existence on this day and every day, but especially after a trying year and intense expectations to do everything under the sun, is enough. I began writing this post some time between November and December. It seems more fitting that I didn’t get around to posting it until now when we’re in a new year; it’s another opportunity to relay to someone out there that you as you are in this moment is the creation that makes a difference. If you’re reading this, that means you have had the privilege to live another day and can bask in what you represent. A switch in a calendar year isn’t going to automatically make you an affirmation seeking, plant-based food and marathon lover who always has something clever and innovative to showcase. It also isn’t going to make you an overnight celebrity or millionaire. Well, that might be true if you won the lotto, right? Please know that there’s no magical switch that you can manipulate to quickly make all things “right.” Contrary to popular belief, we don’t get microwave ready lives. We also don’t do ourselves any favors when we force our creativity because we feel pressured by a world that is built on consumerism. As we move forward in this year that eventually won’t be “new,” I hope that we invest more of our energy into giving of ourselves creatively not because it will pique the interest of more strangers. Instead I hope that we will unlock more ways to fully embrace what makes us special. If you remember nothing else, let it be that you will always be greater than your output.

You Can Choose Nothing

Because sometimes choosing nothing is choosing you!

bella reese

Last month, I rested. For two weeks. It was long overdue before the pandemic. My need for consecutive days of nothingness became more critical to my being once we were smack in the middle of it. To some, I’m sure it looks as though I do it all so well. Please know there’s a cost for everything, and life is not always Ben & Jerry’s Dairy Free Cookie Dough ice cream for me either. Sure, I may make things happen, but that doesn’t mean that I’m built to keep pushing all the time. We live in a society where rest is not valued, celebrated, or equitable. At times, I’ve drank the productivity juice too. However, I’m here to tell you that being means resting. No one should feel ashamed about taking time to do nothing. And no one should have to work so hard and never be able to live because the sole focus is always survival. Rest is not laziness or disregard for your future. It’s a necessary and practical act of self-love that every human deserves. Anyone who knows me will likely tell you that one of my favorite words is “no.” It’s my radical way of taking care of myself and those around me, because I’m fully aware that we’re programmed to never slow down to experience our experiences. For two weeks, I said “no” to everything that didn’t give me room to breathe, sleep, chill, observe, and feel lighter. I said “yes” to what did. My “yes” looked like:

napping on the couch

meeting my move goal (hello, Apple Watch friends)

cleaning the fabric softener dispenser in the washer

walking the trail and listening to my podcasts

putting up a new picture that sat on my floor for weeks

repotting two plant babies

making a favorite childhood snack

sleeping in (i.e., no alarm clock)

watching the sunset at a local winery

bathing with rose petal bath salts

writing thank you notes

checking out a nearby farmer’s market for the first time

writing new content for my business endeavors

making my first charcuterie board that looked too good to eat (yes, we still ate it)

not repeating my boundaries to those who knew them but chose not to hear me

roaming the bookstore and leaving with a jigsaw puzzle

celebrating my bestie’s birthday in her new home

trying veggie burgers

daytripping to ‘The Gem of the Chesapeake’ for crabs w/ Mom

making breakfast in the morning

not checking a single work email

closing my eyes to hear the quietest places of me

Though our individual cups of rest may not look the same, they all must be filled. Rest, my friends. Rest. You won’t miss what’s meant for you.

Water Wins

Someone once said, “Stop lighting yourself on fire to keep people warm.” It stayed with me. And I started pouring water everywhere.

For this trip around the sun, things will be much cooler. I understand that won’t work for everyone. The freeing lesson…it doesn’t have to.

This is the year for my softened desires to beam. I won’t waste this shower of renewal.

Chapter 35.

 

 

Love Letter to 2020

2020. It hasn’t been anything short of tumultuous, maddening, daunting, and on 10 whole thousand! And as much as the thought has crossed my mind that we can throw the entire year away after this first half of welcomed and unwelcome pandemonium, I refuse to accept that this is it. I know better than that. And you do too! The first thing we can alter when nothing seems to be on our side is our mindset. To assist with making that shift, I offer this digital space to illuminate a litany of love that has shown up in the cracks of uncertainty, ugliness, and upset. Won’t you stay with me for a minute? You’re already here. 🙂

Dear 2020,

You’ve given us:

Breath. We, those of us reading this, still have it. It’s a symbol of humanness that has been taken from too many of our Black and Brown loved ones and communities. We should feel it, be present with it, and use it to hasten action for those who should still be here.

Children. They keep making us stronger, wiser, and content with the idea that sometimes in the hurriedness of life, less is more. As they grow, hopefully we do too — in openness, empathy, and unity.

Family. It comes in many forms, but the point is that we’ve likely found refuge in the steadiness. For some of us, it’s angelic steadiness because we’ve lost loved ones. Still…we see, feel, and remember the consistency from what’s familial.

Friends. Some have gone to great lengths to make us smile with Zoom parties, snail mail, and daily calls. We should thank them. Keep showing up for them.

Laughter. From conversation or our preferred format for broadcast media. We’ve spent a few moments stepping away from it all and reinvigorating our courage.

Goals. Ones we’ve achieved and others we’ve set. Whether big or small, we’ve made progress and had something to celebrate. In my circle, I’ve seen businesses launched, donations raised, houses bought and sold, job transitions, spiritual wellness, courses started, stories written, boundaries enforced, and much more. Why throw in the towel now?

Partnership. In activism, romance, and business. Because we’re still awakening to the truth that we’re better together. What a marvelous ideal. Perhaps too slowly, but we’re getting in sync.

Hope. Through miraculous recovery, accountability for the toxicity, and even the fragrant florals we’re paying more attention to when we walk. We’re learning to carry it around like we do our phones.

Creativity. As a writer, mine has come as words in cards, emails, letters, blogs, and manuscripts. Others leave space for theirs in watercolor, photographs, thread, speech, cuisine, or events. Regardless of the expression, imagination has not failed us.

Peace. For some, it never seemed to be within reach. Now, we find that the interruption of storms by way of justice, pausing, closure, and need for rapid adaptation has washed away the inauthentic parts of life that weren’t helping us to grow more in love with who we are, what we represent, and how we show up in the world.

So, 2020. You’re not cancelled, and we haven’t lost. We’re here for the promise producing power.

With gratitude and reverence,

Bella Reese & fellow caretakers of presence

Monday’s Mantra: Be.

beto have an objective existence: have reality or actuality: live

I suspect this extended time at home has provided many of us with the opportunity to pause and consider our multidimensional essence. Whether your day continues to move at a rapid pace as you steer your way through calls and content, or you’ve found the rhythm that steadies your stride, remember that you matter just as you are right now.

I’ve learned that when we ground ourselves in our truth and embrace the tiniest things that we love about who we are, we’ll begin to hear the wisp of the softest wind in the present moment that is given to us as a gift. It’s the wisp that will carry us through our longing to rush or our feelings of fatigue from responsibility and the unknown. More importantly, it’s the wisp that will remind us to be…

focused but flexible,

inquisitive and hopeful, and

evolving yet celebratory of the gift we have to be alive, to be here, to be ourselves.

I Never Said We Weren’t Human

It has been almost three weeks since my original post detailing how some of us introverts are fairing in these weird and scary times. You may be wondering if we’re still singing the same tune given that people have lost track of what day it is and now find that checking the mail is a welcomed relief. Well, I’m here to tell you that many of us are likely still doing okay, but we’ve had to double down on showing ourselves kindness. Humans aren’t particularly good at that. We have to make an intentional effort to halt the negative self talk, relax our personal criticisms and judgment, and stay aligned with the present.

I know many are craving the opportunity to resume face-to-face interaction and to move around town, which is all for good reason. I can’t wait to go to a restaurant again whether it’s a local spot without the frills or a place with menu items I’ve never heard of before. It’s simple…I like food. And I like dining. I don’t need cloth napkins, but I do need a break from my kitchen! When world order is restored, I’ll be at somebody’s restaurant! Before I descend into my sustenance rabbit hole, here’s what I’ve had to do to level my love of solitude with these eerie circumstances and reconcile the fact that I am indeed still human:

I’ve started to temper my angst to create with coloring. I have a propensity to devise new ideas and ride the waves of my imagination. Some of these ideas I’ve executed in real time. You’re now viewing a site of what started as an idea. But, I’ve found that more reflective time has initiated undue pressure about a need to produce. Instead of allowing that anxiety to go too far, I circled back to an old pastime where the only thing I decide is the color pattern I’ll use to bring someone else’s sketch to life. Color. Sharpen. Repeat.

I read a few pages of my book in the middle of the day. Sometimes it can be difficult to stay motivated and focused as the work day progresses. I find that when I put it all down and channel energy toward something that takes me out of a monotonous mental space, I can hop back into what I’m working on with a new attitude. This is likely the way I’m coping with increased work video conferences. Sheesh. That’s a whole thing.

I try especially hard to curb negative thoughts. Several years ago I took a class at my church that was modeled after Joyce Meyer’s book, Battlefield of the Mind. That class and that book changed my life! I remember our instructor saying, “no thought should go unchecked.” I never forgot it, because I recognized how much I criticized and judged myself harshly with my thoughts. If you were to look up “overanalyze” in the dictionary, you’d find a picture of me cheesing. I can’t tell you how many stories I’ve played out in my head with the worst endings almost as if good wasn’t possible. Nowadays that’s easier to do because there’s more time for inner dialogue. The minute I find myself going there, I try to shift my brain to gratefulness. That can be in a prayer, a mantra, or even a message to someone saying what I appreciate about them. Moral of the story…even if we don’t share the same religious or spiritual beliefs, how and what we think matters.

I accept when it’s a hard day and do what I want. That part of doing what I want has meant that I’ve curled up on my couch all day watching HGTV, slept, made an extra cup of coffee, or drank a glass of wine. Let’s be clear….not being able to go anywhere is hard no matter if you’re an extrovert, introvert, ambivert, or simply put…human! There have been times when I don’t have much to give besides gratitude for a safe home, my health, and resources. And in case no one told you, that is okay. Why guilt ourselves and each other into believing that every day is butterflies and rainbows? Nope! It’s challenging. It’s disheartening. It’s annoying. It’s unjust. And I still want to go to a restaurant with my friends and leave home without feeling like I need to rush back although I recognize both are privileges. I wrestle with my reality in comparison to others who are risking their lives every day and can’t stay home because of their work, lack of housing, and so much more.

I spend time talking to people I love. Some have been quick phone calls and others have been 2+ hour FaceTime chats. I’ve seen everything from Badu hair wraps at 10 a.m. to the making of vegan mushroom pasta while chatting with family and friends. Nothing tops my godson using my cousin’s body as his personal jungle gym while also trying to show me his loose tooth. Because kids…will be kids! I can’t say that I’m participating in regular virtual happy hours, however I’m still making space to be present in people’s lives.

And because water is life, I’m drinking more of it…with lemon. And occasionally with mint. Not because I’m trying to be fancy…mainly because I need a citrus catalyst to keep my skin glow and curb my snacking antics. Plus, it tastes better! #hydrate

When I consider it all, I’m hopeful…alive…blessed. Together, we will persevere no matter our personality traits or how we generate and restore energy. Keep being you. Keep being human. And keep being safe.

Hope: to expect with confidence